Dear WB,

I am so proud of you for finally getting out there and (1) calibrating your Nike + iPod and (2) “running,” especially given the beastly heat you chose to do this during.

Shame on you, though. Just four short months ago, you were in half marathon condition. Now, you’re fat and undisciplined. That .3 run to calibrate the iPod nearly killed you. It’s absolutely a disgrace that you had to sit on the bench on your front porch and gasp for air for five minutes before your official “run” began. Four months ago, you could run just over a mile, or 17 minutes, without walking. Now, .3 is almost more than you could handle. Shame on you.

It was beastly hot out there. Remember how much better (ie cooler) it is to run in the morning? Remember why you prefer to run in the morning? Do you think you might be able to channel your seething hatred of 430p Florida heat into a little motivation to get up and get your run in first thing in the morning? Maybe skip those 10p tv shows so you can have an easier time getting up just before 5a?

I’m pleased you finally found your motivation. Shall I count down the days for you so you know how short a period of time you have to get your body into a slightly more svelte shape? Forty-five days. That’s it. On the forty-sixth day, you need to feel good about your body and wear something that makes you feel amazing, because so many factors will be working against your self-confidence and self-esteem. So how about you start running four days a week, and get some weight training in for the sake of your disgusting arms.

Also, I think we’re all happier when your avatar is not so slothful.

Love,
your completely-disgusted-with-yourself self

wRitErsbLock