WARNING: Spider picture!

Dear Flaming Banana Spider Look-A-Like,

Do you remember the other day when I took this picture of you as you hung menacingly between my pomegranate and strawberry guava bushes in my side yard?

Do you remember how my husband, who loves me so, asked me if I wanted him to kill you? (Because, let’s face it, such things should not exist. Especially in my yard.) Perhaps you can recall how I said, “no, don’t kill him. He can live as long as he doesn’t build a web in my walkway, and as long as I don’t walk through his web. The first time I walk through his web, he’s getting torched.”

Do you remember that?

Obviously you do not, or you’d be alive right now, wouldn’t you?

As I mowed the lawn this morning, I walked face-first into a web. A web that should not have been in my walkway. A web that certainly should not have been face-height in my walkway. Naturally, I did the OMG there’s a spider on me dance while trying to find who built that web. And… there it was, on a different bush than the other day. Verily, I spewed forth profanity at it before going in search of my husband and a lighter. The creature was warned and the punishment had to be carried out.

Of course, I’m too cowardly to kill spiders, as the act of killing a spider guarantees my night will be full of spider nightmares, and I’m not sure that even a testosterone booster would give me the cajones required to get close enough to an eight-legged abomination, but my husband was willing to play the part of the executioner, as he loves me so.

And so, the banana spider look-a-like (because it’s much smaller than all the banana spiders I’ve encountered out of my yard, and so I’m not convinced this is the same breed) burned this morning. As he should. As he was warned.

Wretched things. Should not exist.

Oh, and lizards:

perhaps a little less happy fun time and a little more eating-the-spiders time, eh?

wRitErsbLock