Happy 42nd birthday to my sister-in-law, Linda. I thought I’d get you something heart-felt, and decided the best thing would be to explain to you why we’ve never been able to really get along (from my POV). I know you don’t pop in here much anymore, but I also know you have friends who report back to you. So, here it is…

Gather round the campfire, kids, it’s story time.

Once upon a time (June 2001), Jim and I gave up the house we were renting and moved in with Jim’s brother, Tony. Tony had just recently separated (in December) from Maria, a woman I miss tremendously. Maria took most of the furniture and left Tony with the mortgage. So the plan was to help Tony with his mortgage by paying $500 a month rent while simultaneously helping us because we were no longer shelling out $1150 a month for the house we had been renting. The goal was to save money for a few months and be able to buy a house of our own by Christmas. Of course, in July, I was laid off, and then September 11th happened, and I couldn’t get a job to save my soul, and we ended up in a horrible financial situation that we’ve only recently really begun recovering from. This is not a story about our finances, though.

Shortly after Maria and Tony separated (I don’t know when their divorce was finalized), Tony started dating (and eventually married) my Sister-in-law, Linda. During the week, Tony would sleep at Linda’s house, and on weekends, Linda and her dog and her teenaged son would sleep at Tony’s house. This was the beginning of my loathing of Linda.

Linda was the absolute worst roommate ever. As I mentioned, Maria had taken most of the furniture, so some of the furniture in the house was ours (almost all the furniture would have been ours, but I refused to move the couch and chair into a house with dogs) as were the kitchen items, like plates, pots, pans, blender, mixer, etc. Linda would come over Friday night and move our stuff off our table and throw it into the garage. Items like our $90 blender were removed from the kitchen and placed into the garage. Items like the cleaning system of our aquarium were misplaced for an entire year after Linda threw them into the garage. It was so frustrating. We were paying money to live there, and provided our furniture, and that control-freak would waltz in on the weekends and touch our stuff. It irriated the hell out of me (and continues to, I can’t get past what a bitchy thing that was). But we kept our grievances to ourselves, out of respect for Tony.

That was the beginning.

Linda blew my mind. Her teenaged son would be in the living room, and she and Tony would be in the bedroom (located right off the living room) having such loud screaming sex that I was embarrassed for her son. It’s one thing for your roommates to hear you enjoying intercourse, it’s quite another for your teenaged son to hear his mother getting banged by her latest boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a screamer too, but if there is someone in the house, I surpress my screams. So from her orgasms, I was unable to muster any respect for her.

After Tony started spending time with Linda, he changed for the worse. He is no longer as much of a pleasure to be around. And I feel bad saying that, because he is Jim’s brother, but the fact remains Tony changed. For the worse. I miss the old Tony.

Linda is not a pleasant person to be around. She’s bossy, she’s arrogant, and she’s abrasive. And she’s conniving. I don’t care to spend time with her. But it’s not just me. Jim can’t stand her (in fact, he may have less patience for her than I do). She doesn’t hold a candle to Maria, who I miss so much.

When Tony and Maria were together, they got together all the time with me and Jim and another couple. Those days are, sadly, long gone. We all lived in the same neighborhood, no more than two blocks apart from each other. It was a great time because we could gather at a moments notice at any of the three houses, and never worry about drunk driving or anything like that. I miss those days.

Time passed, and Tony was anti-marriage and continued to be anti-procreation. Meanwhile, Linda advised me to take a pin and poke holes in all my condoms so that I could get pregnant. I was shocked. I would never force Jim to impregnate me. Women who get pregnant to keep their man or manipulate their man are horrible women. I am not like that. Soon after giving me that advice, Linda ended up pregnant. Within a month, they bought a house together (really far away from all Tony’s friends and family) and got married. Hmmmmm… the man who was anti-marriage and anti-kids suddenly changed his mind? I don’t think so. I think the queen manipulator orchestrated the whole thing.

I miss Maria every day. When Linda announced her pregnancy, all hope of a reconciliation with Tony and Maria was dashed. I had been in contact with Maria up until then, and she and Tony spoke regularly and, according to Maria, had been talking about getting back together. Then, poof, a baby. How convenient.

I can’t stand being around Linda. I dread it. And I feel bad, because I never want to keep Jim from seeing his brother, but Jim can’t bear to be around Linda either. And when we get together with them, I end up having to be social with Linda while Jim and Tony do the brother thing. And then Jim has to put up with my sour mood later on after I escape the clutches of Linda.

Oh, while we were roommates, and I was unemployed for six months, I went off my happy pills due to no money and no insurance. It was a horrible time for me and my loved ones really suffered for it. Linda corresponded with my father via email and told him how unstable she thinks I am and that I’m a complete nutcase and totally irresponsible and my dad should start sending money to Linda so that Linda could manage my life for me. WTF? When I had the opportunity to read those emails on a trip to visit with them 4 years ago, I couldn’t believe it. That woman was so mean spirited to me, behind my back, and bashed me to no end to my father (who lives 1000 miles away and couldn’t do much to seek the truth out for himself). Linda was pretending to be my friend, but the overall tone of her emails was disdain and hate.

She is no friend of mine, and I prefer to have nothing to do with her.

I’m really sorry Jim and Tony are not communicating right now. I understand Queen Manipulator has decided it’s all my fault; I’m so relieved Jim doesn’t blame me for the rift. I miss Tony, but it has been so delightfully stress-free around Pereiraville without Linda. And while I hope Jim and Tony reconcile soon, I hope to have a Thanksgiving and Christmas season free of the biggest source of stress: my wonderful SIL.

It’s kind of funny. Last year, as the holiday season approached, Linda and I were emailing about the nightmare before Christmas (no, not the movie), and I told her there was certain family that I didn’t care to get together with. I don’t know who she thinks I was referring to at that time, but I’m quite sure that now she must know she’s the source of our stress.

Linda has deleted the blog on which she had, on several occasions, lamented having a sister-in-law (me) who is completely insane. That’s nice. I’d rather be insane that an evil, manipulative bitch.

So, happy birthday Linda. Now you know.

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