Thanks, SarahK, for knowing I’d love this type of thing.

Tracey’s Serious P*otty Survey:

1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.

As SarahK will attest, if I have not yet begun vacating, I will answer to tell the caller I’ll call them back. But only if the phone was in my pocket. If it’s in my purse, I don’t care to fumble around looking for it. It should be noted, my cell has a very disconcerting, screaming ring tone. It scares the hell out of me in my family room; in a bathroom it echoes and is really disconcerting. So my main objective is to get it to shut up so I can pee in peace. Again, in my purse, not so much because it is stifled by the crap in my purse.

2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?

I take the first clean-enough-to-utilize stall. If it’s a restroom I have utilized previously, chances are I have a preferred stall. Like, for instance, at school: stall #5.

3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.

TRUE! I HATE AUTO FLUSHERS. That’s one reason I like stall #5 at school: it is the least likely to flush while I’m still engaged in activity upon it. Also, it’s not a big “spitter.”

4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.

False. I never even considered it. Thank you for making me paranoid.

5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.

If there are toilet seat covers, I will sit upon the paper. If the bathroom is clean enough, I will paper the seat myself to sit. If the bathroom is not clean enough, I will paper/utilize seat cover and then hover anyway. The problem is, I’m not a good hoverer. My stream tends to go a bit nuts if I hover for very long, and then that’s a bigger catastrophe than sitting in the first place would have been. Oh, and I cannot hover and do more than pee.

6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.

They protect my fragile sanity, so that’s something.

7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover”?

If I’m doing more than peeing, yes.

Talk to strangers in the restroom?

Not if I have the option of NOT talking to strangers in the restroom.

9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?

Not if I have the option of NOT talking to strangers whilst indisposed.

10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.

another bathroom. But I usually have tissue in my purse because it’s always allergy season, so I’m rarely caught off guard. Oh, if there’s a cabinet in there, I have no problem at all with opening it to get tp.

11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?

They rarely flush properly.

12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.

Freak out. Please let there at least be hot water. No? Great, now I need to go out to the car and utilize hand sanitizer. Note to self: do not use this bathroom again.

13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.

True

14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.

pink, icky

15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.

16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.

False. Not my job.

17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.

It depends. Is there another clean stall for me to use? Is it an auto-flusher? If it’s not an auto-flusher, I’ll flush (with my foot) to make the bowl “clean” for me to soil.

18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)

TRUE, if I can hold it until the next acceptable bathroom comes along.

19) I prefer:

A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.

B. The less bathroom surface I have to touch, the better. Some of the restaurants I have been to recently have motion sensor paper towel dispensers. I like that because then I don’t have to touch anything in their bathroom.

20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:

A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both

How old? I’ll take both, but once the boy is older (and I don’t know how old, because I don’t have a boy), I’ll let him go into the men’s room for a timed visit.

21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:

A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both

22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?

what makeup? I will ameliorate my hair, if necessary.

23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?

24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.

FALSE. EW! What if the person before me didn’t wash their hands? YUCK! That’s why I have a paper towel in my hand still.

25) If F, what do you use to open the door?

The paper towel I just dried my hands with. Hopefully I’ve timed it right so that someone else opens the door for me, but that doesn’t always work out. So, use the towel to open the door, and hopefully the trash is there so I can throw the towel away. Otherwise, I feel bad if I miss when I toss it. Seriously, though, I rarely use a “new to me” bathroom. So I have a plan for every bathroom I visit.

Thank you for taking Tracey’s Serious P*otty Survey!

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