Yesterday afternoon, I read a post by a girl I went to college with. It stirred up emotions in me, but I was at work, and therefore unable to devote much time to the comment I wanted to leave. After further thought, I decided it would be best to forgo commenting and instead rant on my own blog, as I’m certain my comment would have been too lengthy to be considered polite.

Super long, rambling rant in the extended entry.

Alice Claudel starts by asking why people waste time and energy on social networking sites.

I ask this because I consider myself to be very intelligent and yet also find myself on Facebook, slowly accumulating friends and dippy applications as the days pass. At first, it was interesting. I was connecting with people who had been fairly close to me at one time (mainly from college) and getting to know what had become of their lives. Then, the others started rolling in. The ones who I had not really missed (nor spoken to) for over a decade. I understand that it takes all kinds, the world is a big pot of diversity, that’s what makes it interesting…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

As for me, I have enjoyed finding out a bit about people who used to mean so much to me. It has always seemed sad to me that you can, say, be a roommate with someone for two years, and then never speak again. Or that you can be best friends with someone for years, move to Florida, and simply fall out of touch. I love that the interwebs have helped reconnect me with people from my past. Some people I barely remember (Jared) have turned out to be friends I find I rely upon rather a lot. There are conversations I will have with certain online friends that I would never have with people I see daily. And since I have such a poor memory, it has been very fun for me to start to reconnect with people and hear their memories, to help jog my own.

Continuing…

I am a completely different person than I was in college.

Yeah, ditto.

I have grown as a person and been through quite a bit. Back then, (Did I mention that this was a Christian Liberal Arts college?) I was pushed aside (by some) because of my standing as a Catholic. Now, it seems, some unforeseen prejudice has emerged that keeps people who I once spoke to from wanting to connect. Granted, I did not “sign up” to talk to everyone that I recognized, simply because we were not close and I did not want to impose. Sadly, I do not think this is the case for some…

She goes on to talk about how a friendship ended because she divorced her first husband and, surprise surprise, the good Christian best friend couldn’t forgive such a horrendous sin.

And I am reminded of my first marriage and how my stupid Christian background kept me in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. They preach that marriage is until death do you part, and that wives should submit to their husbands. And at the ripe old age of nineteen, I married the man I had prayed for my entire life. This man was everything I hoped and prayed for. And then some. As his true colors began to show, I realized I was trapped. I mean, my happiness was not a good reason to go through an ignominious divorce. When Idiot Boy finally acted out in violence toward me, I was so grateful. Finally, because the mental abuse was insufficient, I had a reason no good Christian could deny was worthy of divorce, and I had the bruises to justify it.

But you know what, I don’t care if the people that knew me in my Good Christian days feel like they need to judge me for divorcing that man. I hate that religious brain washing caused me to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Back to my friend’s blog:

As you can imagine, this has all left me in a strange place of emotion.

I’m glad to hear I’m not the only person who feels insecure about reconnecting with people from the past. Especially when I see that this one is a doctor, and that one is a scientist, and this one has some other prestigious career that I do not have. Me, I’m just increasingly feeling like a loser.

I am not this insecure. I am very proud of what I have accomplished in life and of my beliefs and morals. How could I allow myself to feel sorry and rejected? How have I allowed myself to feel as though I must live up to some set of imaginary expectations. I am not that college girl, eager to have approval, but somehow, that girl is peeking out and wreaking havoc with my adult life. No! I am not a prissy, full of myself, God will only save us Chosen, far right conservative/fundamentalist Baptist, Bible thumper!!! I am proud NOT to be. I have a serious relationship with GOD, not the idiotic, flawed humans who make up rules in his name. I am sick to death of ignorance. I ANSWER ONLY TO GOD. I LOVE GOD! I speak to him daily, by the moment, in every joy and crisis. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING IGNORANT JUDGMENT BY SO-CALLED CHRISTIANS.

Heh.

I just don’t want to be drenched in ignorance any longer. I have black, gay, non-religious…etc., etc., etc. friends, and I will continue to. I am kind to them, because they are human beings. I support friends who must separate from spouses, not because it is easy (or was for me) but because humans are weak (and I don’t mean the ones asking for the divorce most times)…

Amen, preach it. I hate the hypocrisy of so many Christians. I hate that I have a friend who was so warped by his own religious upbringing that he is afraid to come out to his family. I don’t think God loves homosexuals any less than he loves anyone else. I don’t think God loves me any less just because I’ve had sex with more than one person. Jesus reached out to the sinners. Yet so many Christians opt not to step outside their comfort zone — their church — to reach out to those who would benefit most from the love of God.

Yes, kids, I still believe in God. Just because I find myself unable to pray does not mean I don’t communicate with God in my own way. I never believed God was confined to a building like so many Christians seem to believe.

But I think I have gone off topic.

This post was supposed to be about reconnecting with people from the past makes me feel awkward. I am so not the Good Christian girl they knew. I swear. I drink. I’ve had sex with more than one person. I don’t go to church. My husband claims to be an atheist. But you know what? We’re still good people.

I worry about what the Good Christian people who knew me in college will think of me now. I don’t worry too much, though. I figure that those who were truly meant to be my friends are still my friends, even without the aid of Facebook or Myspace. There are a handful of friends from those days who I have kept in touch with for all these years. And can you believe it’s been more than a decade? Those few friends have remained my friend even with all my sinful flaws. I don’t think they judge me, and I certainly don’t judge them when they share things with me. We’ve been friends since 1993, and since we’ve been friends this long, I imagine will be friends a while longer.

So, Alice Claudel, I understand your apprehension about reconnecting with those we forged friendships with fifteen years ago. Believe me I get it. But I wouldn’t worry too much. If they’re going to judge you, they don’t deserve to call you friend. You have always been a beautiful woman with an luxurious singing voice. I don’t think we knew each other very well back in the day, but I always respected you. And I still do.

Hugs to you, then, Alice. I, for one, am glad we reconnected.

wRitErsbLock